Anyone who wants to skip this maudlin post,
please do so.
I am typing out emotions therapeutically and also
for anyone else out there on the world wide
web who may be looking....as I was looking...
for personal stories prior to my surgery.
Personal stories were few and far between,
and I desperately wanted something to gauge my
experience by.
Even though each of us has our OWN experiences,
it's nice to base our "expectations" on something.
Today is Day 5 post thyroid surgery and for
some reason it seems to be the day ALL my emotions
are hitting me.
It may have something to do with my fathers death,
3 short weeks ago.
It may have something to do with the fact that I feel
like I was running towards a cliff and barely
had time to plug my nose, take a deep breath and
hold it, and then dive headlong into the waves
crashing below me without stopping to think
about what I was doing.
I am pretty much and "stop and think about it"
kind of gal...so this headlong rushing is new
to me.
Now that I have had time to sit and sit (and sit
some more) the waves of emotion are coming at me
fast and furious.
Today, they feel a little overwhelming to me.
I feel a little tender.
I am waiting with nervous anticipation for results
from my biopsy, my breath catches in my throat
and my eyes (re)fill with tears at the thought of
pressing "rewind" and "repeat" all over again.
I emotionally cannot (cannot!) cross that bridge
until I have to (or don't have to).
(Don't have to! Don't have to! Don't have to!)
I am ready to find out once and for all the news
about my health.
Waiting sucks. Yup it does. Big Time.
I am down to Ibuprofen for pain. Throughout
the WHOLE process the pain has been VERY
manageable. I was worried about that, and am
relieved to report that it was NEVER
more than I could manage. (Except for that
one night, 2 a.m., less than 48 hours out).
Pain meds, and the ice pack they sent home from
the hospital with, were my constant companion for 3
straight days. The ice pack was GREAT!
Swelling seemed to peak at Day 2 and has gone
down everyday since then. Although my neck still
is not back to normal size, it is much more within
the "normal" range. I can do that!
Sleeping at night is uncomfortable, I have a crink
in my neck from only being able to lay in one
position.
Did I mention that after they cut you open they
pull aside all your neck muscles? (the ones used
for laughing, talking, holding up and turning your
head, coughing, sneezing, yawing, swallowing,
moving side to side...well, you get the picture).
Well, those muscles are pretty sore today.
I can't look at my toes, or at the ceiling. or
to my left or to my right.
So if any of my kids want to give me the bird--now
would be a good time to stand slightly to the left
or right of my peripheral vision and do so.
You're home free!
I feel a pulling on the inside of my neck
(from the things that were cut out and
then sewn up again) that is not so much painful,
but more uncomfortable.
If I were NOT me, I would be grossed out by the
blood covered bandage stuck to the incision line
across my neck.
People keep saying "it's not 'that' bad"...seriously
people? I am pretty sure that code for "it looks
pretty bad, but lets not tell her!"
Maybe not.
Because of the general anesthesia, my sense of
taste and smell are shot at the moment. Not
sure when returns...soon I hope.
I keep cracking open cans of Dt Dr Pepper only to
put them down again after a sip. They just taste
too gross. (I never thought I would say that!)
Maybe this will be the reason I need to give up
the hard stuff. (wink wink).
The last frustration I have is not being
able to participate in my own life, and
my children's lives.
I know that this is a temporary pit stop and things
will be back to "normal" in a week or two (or month
or two) or whenever normal happens.
It is just hard to sit and pause.
I thought I would be better at pausing, but I'm
not. I definitely like "motion" better than "pause".
The two things I know are that:
1. Waiting sucks.
2. Pausing sucks.
(Are they the same thing?)
But the other thing I know, from past experiences,
is that "this too shall pass" ...halla*freakin*lujah!
(And can we get an AMEN?!)
I guess it's time to go back to my bed, I've been
sitting and typing long enough and well, my neck
hurts.
Maybe I'll go unpause that movie in the DVD
player.
At least something will be moving forward then.
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