apples & onions

in the wake of my husbands unemployment, my blog has become a way to free myself of some of the build up, the residue of feelings, that seem to bottleneck inside my mind.

grace says "depressing", but i beg to differ! the posts have NOT all been depressing. they have ranged from hope to gratitude to anger to just a daily accounting of the in's and out's of our "new normal." (and besides that-it's MY BLOG, I will blog however i darn well want to!)

some of my writing has been earnest, open, raw and very honest.

believe me when i say it could be MORE so.

sometimes it is better to omit, than to commit, my feelings to the printed word.

some days, my life right now is like biting into an onion-hard and stinging and not so tasty.

some days, it is liking biting into a fresh fall apple-sweet off the tree, delicious, fulfilling.

but BOTH kinds of days are real, and happen.

some days i want to kick and scream and tell the person OFF that just told me "well, you JUST need to pray and tell heavenly father that your husband NEEDS a job--THEN it will happen!"

REALLY, did someone just say that? I am so glad, because certainly we HAD NOT thought of that in 2 1/2 months.

Prayer, a new concept. (onion)

THEN, a friend calls and tells me "we are taking you to lunch! we love you, come talk and unburden your heavy heart!" (apple moment)

OR someone else volunteers to make all the "take home crafts" for my daughters birthday party. she INSISTS, and she gives of herself for my family. we feel SO blessed and loved. HOW, I ask, do you EVER pay this type of kindness back? (apple again)

Then i go to the store and want to slam my head into a wall because i am SO SICK of being SO FRUGAL and would REALLY really REALLY love to splurge on just a few small things.

a treat, a snack, a movie, something STUPID and completely unnecessary, ANYTHING. i silently weep in the car on the way home and pretend that my 16 yr. old son (who is pretending NOT to notice) will NOT notice the tears as they roll down my cheeks. (SOOOOOOOOOOO onion-y)

then i get MAD at myself for even worrying about things like that--because we are paying our mortgage, and eating, and have electricity. and those are ALL great (GREAT!) things. so who cares about the "other stuff?" why should it even matter? (sort of an apple and onion mix)

but, here's the thing...i guess we have to take the apples WITH the onions. and it is OK (so OKAY!) to have BOTH kinds of days (and posts).

If it were not this we were going through, it could be something else (and someday it will be something else, some other burden to carry and make it through).

we ALL have a load to carry, at some point, in our lives.

and i have said it before and will say it again...it's not so much about the load--but more about GETTING up each new day and moving forward.

some days, it REALLY really stinks!

and some days, it really really is OK.

i think i will go start working on that praying thing, not to be sarcastic or anything, but that's probably the missing link in kyle's job search.

(POST EDIT: i must add that i KNOW the person that said this--who i know for a fact does NOT read my blog--did NOT mean it to be insensitive or DUMB! people just don't know what to say, so they just say "STUFF". i know this person is a GREAT person, but it was not a great day to hear that comment the day they said it to me!)