crap, i am a schizophrenic nazi

a brief explanation for all my non "Mormon" peeps. (readers of other faiths and religions, please don't judge all Mormons by what you are about to read! there are some great members of the LDS aka Mormon faith who do not have a hard time refraining from bad language at Church.)


in our church we have a 3 hour "block" of meetings each Sunday. it is not ironically called THE BLOCK. the meetings consist of one hour of "sacrament meeting" (talks, songs, partaking of the sacrament, aka bread and water, in remembrance of Jesus Christ).

this is followed by Sunday School class (one hour) and then a combination of meetings: Relief Society, Priesthood, Young Mens/Womens--you go where you go next depending on your age group. (sorta)


clear as mud?


if you are really lucky and under the age of 12 you go to a 2 hour "class" called Primary where you basically sing songs, learn about Jesus, have a lesson, sing more songs, well you get the picture.



Even more clear? or even muddier?


i have the good fortune of being the "primary president" in my ward which basically means i herd children for two hours every Sunday while the grown ups get a break. (ok, technically this is NOT TRUE...some weeks, however, it is VERY TRUE.)

in truth, i love it! really, i do! the things they say! the things they do! it is really a fantastic learning experience.


we try and teach the kids to follow Christ's example and have fun and sing and all that jazz.


HOWEVER, i find myself on the opposite side of being a "good example" lately.


It seems that whenever i stand up at the pulpit to speak into the microphone (which by the way is SO LOUD it carries to, oh, say, TEXAS!) i inadvertently blurt out some word that you probably should not say in church.


over a pulpit.


into a really loud microphone.


for example, one week MY Leaders were visiting (making sure things were running smoothly and we were doing a good job.)and i somehow managed to work the word SCHIZOPHRENIC into my vocabulary. I mean, really? i actually said that word in church? over the microphone? Schizophrenic? who says THAT in church? certainly i offended some family dealing with mental illness.

then another week i was whole heartedly, and LOUDLY over that darn microphone again, comparing myself to a NAZI.


again, really? am i trying to get myself released from this calling? again, some Holocaust survivors grandchild probably went home weeping at my bad example. what parent needs to worry that their small child will yell an inappropriate word during the Primary Program when they have MEEEEEEEEE??? I am single handedly taking care of that myself!


and this week, after reprimanding the kids last week about their language in church i practically YELLED the word CRAP! over the mike. (okay, so i DID yell the word CRAP! over the mike)


so for those of you who read my blog, and especially those who leave your children with me each Sunday for two hours, just know that they are getting a word education beyond your wildest dreams. My fear is that each time I utter a stray word, or one slips from between my lips, or i hiccup a word so sublime, someone will start asking for definitions.


So far, no one's asking.


Maybe next years Primary Budget should include a muzzle for me? that would solve a lot of problems!